Well, everyone, I’ve done it! After weeks of having this idea (and partially set up web page), I have finally created a blog! I am both ecstatic and on the verge of a panic attack. Now, bear with me as I still have A LOT of work to do on my website, but I think I have the basics. Right… Right?! Someone, help me!
Anyway, on to my reasons for creating this blog!
First, a little background: I have anxiety. Yes, like most people, I have this awful mental disorder along with depression. It has been years since I’ve been able to say I am a normal human being. It has been a long and difficult road to travel, but it is who I am, now. It isn’t that I think I have it worse than other people (I know I don’t), it’s just that I tend to overreact in the smallest of situations. Not like the typical “oh, my goodness, this is not good” overreaction, but overreactions like this: “OH, MY GOD I AM DYING! DILLON I NEED YOU TO GET MY MEDICATION AND CALL AN AMBULANCE BECAUSE THIS IS SERIOUSLY GOING TO KILL ME!” Exciting, right? And the panic attacks. Oh, Lord, the panic attacks. When they first started, they were simply a head ache or just a feeling of sadness, but after my first child was born, they got worse.
I’ll never forget the night that first attack happened. I was going throughout the day just slightly worried over our financial situation (like everybody does). Then, I went to bed that night. At 1am, I awoke to what I thought was a full blown heart attack. My whole torso went numb, my heart felt like it was barely beating, I couldn’t breathe, and I had this feeling of impending doom. The only thing I could focus on was that I was going to die. So, I jumped out of bed (pretty quickly for a big girl) and woke my husband. We were still staying with my grandparents, so I just convinced Dillon to watch the baby while my grandmother drove me to the ER.
There I was, riding in the passenger seat, struggling to breath while I listened to my grandmother tell me everything was fine and that it was a panic attack. I surely wasn’t convinced. After the 30 minute drive to the hospital, I hopped out braless, in pajamas complete with messy hair and hauled tail to the desk. A painfully long wait later, and I was called to an exam room. I told the doctor I thought I was having a heart attack. With a gentle smile on her face, I explained my symptoms. I think she already knew what was happening, but just to make me feel better she ran an EKG test or whatever those are called. Everything was fine, to my amazement. My exact words were: “So, a panic attack can make you feel like you’re dying? They really feel like a heart attack?” To which she replied “Indeed”.
At 3:30am, I was sent home with medication and a diagnosis for chronic anxiety and depression. Not to mention a new worry. This was a little more than 5 years ago.
So a few weeks ago, I was sitting on the couch with my newborn son in my arm and my hope draining from the rest of my body, when it dawned on me: I need to tell people what this is really like. I want to help people understand what we go through on a daily basis.
Personally, I believe every person goes through anxiety differently. My symptoms might not be your symptoms and my level 100 attacks might only be level 1 to you. Despite this, we all have one thing in common: Something is making us nervous, and we don’t like it. I have tried every technique, every self-help website, every piece of advice that people have given me and nothing seems to work. So I am going to tell you now that if you are here to find a cure… Well, I have some bad news. There is no miracle cure. Sure, medicine helps, but what if you miss a pill? What if you think you’re okay and you stop taking it? It will come back. There are only ways to cope. Don’t get me wrong, I have my good days! Most of us do, actually, but it’s those days where you feel like nothing is right. Those days where all you want to do is lay in bed and cry. I want you to know that you are definitely not alone. Sometimes, it helps to just know there are others out there who feel the same way you do. It helps, it really does. As I am writing, I am smiling because I have this small hope that someone, maybe only one person, but someone is reading this and knowing that they aren’t alone. You may be a single mom, someone with no family, someone who has a giant family, or just your average Joe, but I want, more than anything, for you to know that I am that other person. I know exactly how it is to feel like nobody understands. I know what it’s like to have to talk yourself out of suicide. You may seem okay and happy on the outside, but inside is a constant battle that you frequently lose.
The worst part is you may go for years without even knowing why you’re so upset.
So, my friends, if this is the only blog of mine you read, know you have a friend. Even if you don’t know me, I want you to feel like you have someone you can relate with.
I’ll be posting as often as I can! I’m not starting a blog about self-help tips or anything, It’s just going to be a little something to remind you we’re all human. I might throw in a few stories, a few interests, some views, a picture or two but mostly I plan to just talk about anxiety and depression. Well, probably some more stuff, but I hope you get the idea!
I’m hoping this simple web page will bring people closer together! I certainly want to hear about your experiences! In the near future, (uh, or when I figure it out) I’ll put up a couple of my social media links. You know, so you can snoop around my life! Alright, I think that’s it for a first time blog. How did I do? *strained laughter*
I hope to hear from ya’ll, soon!
Also, I was right about the panic attack, but it’s a good panic attack!