I (Almost) Had Surgery

Since I had my son back in January, I had my heart set on getting my tubes tied. I realized that three beautiful children were enough for us, so I figured I might as well go under the knife. Sounded easy enough. No pills, no inserts, nothing that I would have to keep doing every few years. Just one operation would take care of it.

Today was the day! I had to be at my OBGYN’s office at 8am this morning. I was extremely nervous all day yesterday (which is why I didn’t post yesterday. Sorry, guys!) and even more nervous when I woke up this morning. I took my shower, got Bella to school, and Dillon drove me to the office.  I hadn’t eaten since 4pm yesterday, so I was a little cranky and depressed, anyway. I wore my pajama pants because, what the heck, I’m not meeting the president.

When we got there, I already knew there would be a wait. My doctor visits during my pregnancy were known to take at least three hours. I was already near tears because I was so scared, but I sucked it up! I was doing this! I waited another hour before my doctor came in. He went over my chart and information, as per usual. We spoke about the procedure and what he would do during surgery.

But, then, came the risks.

Oh, the risks. The exact things every person wants to hear before their bodies are cut open and repaired while they are unconscious. I could handle what was written on the typical documents I had to sign, but there’s just something about hearing it straight from the doctor that makes it that much more real. Hearing about hysterectomies, risk of blood clots, possibility of extreme pain with my menstrual cycle, and other things made me a little uncomfortable. He could obviously tell I was having a hard time, so he reassured me it didn’t matter what I did, I would be fine. I asked what my other options would be if I changed my mind. He told me about the pills, which I had already taken twice before. He also mentioned Mirena.

With Mirena, I wouldn’t have to take pills, but I would have to come back every five years to replace it. “It’s completely painless.” he said. I looked over to Dillon for some kind of reassurance.

“It’s your choice, baby.” He told me.

It was then I realized something: I hate making choices, especially life-changing ones.

I hate to make choices because I am afraid of it being the wrong choice. What if this is a bad choice? What if I regret it? What if it hurts me or someone I love? I’m so afraid that I might lose control of my life. Even though, if you think about it, we really don’t have control of our lives. Sure, some of it we do, but we have no control over when we die or how we die. It’s something we have to accept.

Needless to say, because I am incapable of being brave, I opted for the Mirena. I will probably regret not having the surgery in the long run. I really wanted to do it because I felt it would be the best option, but this is yet another way anxiety can interfere with our lives. It makes us unable to choose what we really want to do, but instead, choose what we think is safest.

I sat in the car afterwards, crying my eyes out. Dillon tried to reassure me, but I was so upset. To be honest, I don’t know why I was sad. I guess I felt like I let myself down. I felt like, even though I had my heart set on this surgery, I gave it up because I was terrified. Not only that, I felt like I lied to everyone who asked if I was having anymore children. “Nope!” I would say, “I am getting my tubes tied!” I was determined to have it done, until the moment finally arrived. I’m disappointed in myself. Guilty, even.

I will probably have another chance in the future, of course. It’s just the thought that I wanted something so badly only to have my plans crumble right before my eyes.

It might not be a big deal to some people, but I am a very sensitive person. I tend to cry at the drop of a hat!

Yes, I know many people have the same operation done. I know the risks are only a small percentage, but that is the only percentage I can see, most of the time. I have had surgery before (had my tonsils removed when I was in the fourth grade). I wasn’t as scared, back then. I guess I didn’t understand. As children, we are oblivious to reality. What’s that saying? “Ignorance is bliss?” I believe it!

If you are planning to have a procedure like this done, remember to talk to your doctor, first. That is why they give you the chance to ask questions and tell your concerns. I probably should have given it more thought, but you don’t have to end your visit like I did (teary eyed and snot-nosed)! Remember, there are risks (with any sort of operation), and the doctors will tell you everything, but if you feel it is the best option for you, then go for it! Gather up your support system, if you must.

It’s okay to get scared. Everybody gets scared.

Just don’t be like me, sitting in a Mexican restaurant in pajama pants, crying over a plate of fajitas! Anyone have any experience with a tubal ligation (getting your tubes tied)? You are definitely welcome to share!

Love you!

-Courtney

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