“You’re Gonna Push Me Out of this Plane? I Trust You Completely!”

There was a time my anxiety and depression was at an all time high. Let’s start calling it the “Zombie Period”. I mean, I was pretty much like a zombie. Attacking everything that moved, could barely function properly, and I looked like I had been buried for years.

Anyway, I got to where I trusted absolutely no one. Especially, with my kids. I hated when Bella started school. I didn’t want my child to be anywhere without me. It didn’t help that we were constantly watching the news. That definitely made my nerves fry. I cried more than she did the first day. I would constantly tell her that if anyone tried to hurt her at school, to tell me. She probably got tired of hearing the same thing over and over.

It got repetitive.

I also recall when Dillon had to go pick up his check from his job. My sister had previously bought me a purple pocket knife. It had the word “Joker” on the blade. (Because the Joker is my favorite villain, ironically.) I carried it with me everywhere. You know, just in case! Well, Dillon had me sit in the car and wait for him to go in and grab his check. “I won’t be but five minutes.” He said. Of course, it’s mostly men who work there. I could probably fight off a woman if she tried to rob me, but I doubted a man would be as easy. So, there I am, sitting with the blade extended from my hand. I probably looked like I was about to rob the place. Anybody who walked by, I let them know I had a weapon. Psh, who cares if a robber carried a gun? I have a Joker knife! That is pretty bad-a**, if you ask me. I can only imagine what they were thinking. I probably resembled a trembling chihuahua with his tiny teeth showing. What’s a better form of intimidation than a teacup dog that can be carried in a purse?

I wasn’t watching in front of me. The mirrors and back of the car had my attention. They weren’t sneaking up on me, no sir! I was smarter than any robber would be! Until the driver’s door opened. That is how Dillon almost drove home with a knife sticking out of his head. He knew how I was, though. He was pretty cool about it.

“Put the knife down, woman, ain’t nothing gonna hurt you.” He told me.

Alas, during the Zombie Period, I couldn’t even trust Dillon. I didn’t trust him. Every day he went to work, I just knew he was cheating on me. I had this gut feeling. Overtime? No, you’re talking to some woman at work! Talking to one of your friends on the phone? No, that is your girlfriend! “Greg” is just a woman with a deep voice! I pretty much turned into a psycho wife.

“You’re leaving me for another girl! I know you are!” This became my catch phrase.

Even when I was with him, it was, “I see you looking at her! Do you think she looks better than me? What is it?!”

“What are you talking about? I’m looking at chips….” He would sigh, as he loaded up on junk food.

“I’m watching you.” I would whisper, as I planted a device that would blow his head off when he looked in the direction of other women.

Okay, I made that last part up, but you see how ridiculous my mindset was? It was insane!

I believed my closest friends and family would talk about me behind my back. If I would have asked them, I would seem like a paranoid person. I didn’t want them to think I was crazier than I already was. It drove me nuts! I felt like everyone was out to get me or everyone would only pretend to be friendly.

It is crazy, but anxiety can give you more problems than you think possible. That’s all it is, anxiety. You feel like nobody loves you, anymore. You can’t even trust that the sun will shine. It takes every sense of security you have left and smashes it to pieces. You don’t feel like you’re good enough, anymore. Like everyone is leaving you. So, instead of them leaving, you push them away. You can’t trust them anymore, so why keep them around? It’s better to be alone. It’s better to get rid of the problem if only to avoid being hurt, again.

It’s so hard to explain anxiety to someone who doesn’t suffer from it. If they ask why you don’t trust them, you can’t just say, “My anxiety won’t let me” because they won’t understand, no matter how hard they try. Instead, you give them all the reasons in the world. Every explanation, except the right one. Saying, “I’m afraid you’ll leave me” or “My insecurities are tearing me apart” just doesn’t feel right.

But, the entire time you’re pushing them away, you want, so badly, for them to understand. You want them to know your happiness depends on them to know how you’re really feeling. You want them to just know what you feel, without you having to explain the hurt you have to deal with every day.

Because trust is important. It is one of the foundations of relationships. Once trust is broken, it’s hard for anyone to fix it. So, take someone who finds it difficult to trust, anyway. Once betrayed, we will shut out anyone. It no longer matters. In our minds, even the smallest suspicion will blow up into a full treachery.

I want you to understand though, we didn’t ask for this. We don’t want to feel this way. We want to be able to trust, again, because if we can’t trust the ones closest to us, we have no one. Loneliness is something we tend to choose, even if it’s a choice we don’t want. We know it’s hard for our loved ones. We know they can’t just drop everything and rush to our sides, no matter how bad we want it.

So, yes, trust is very important. Even to people who don’t have mental illnesses, it’s a big part of relationships. The phrase, “forgive and forget” isn’t an easy one for anybody. When our safety is threatened, it’s natural that we build walls around our lives. We don’t want to be pushed out of a plane, despite having a parachute. Even when we are safe on the ground, we won’t forget that we were pushed.

Needless to say, I will never go skydiving. I am deathly afraid of heights, and I doubt my Joker knife will protect me.

Love you!

-Courtney

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