What Being Married (with Anxiety) has Taught Me

I never in my life thought I would get married, much less have children. I always thought this “love” was for suckers. I had boyfriends, sure, but I don’t think that was considered love. It was always going to be me, myself, and I. No one knew Courtney better than Courtney. I enjoyed the single life.

Dillon was a good friend in school. I’ve known him since we were in kindergarten, but we never really hung out until high school. Spanish class is when we actually started to talk to each other. Even then, I didn’t think were going to date. Fast forward to when my best friend moved away. Dillon would call me to cheer me up a few nights a week. I still remember our big plans for a restaurant. It would be called, “Have a Nice Freaking Day”.

I also remember the first time we actually hung out. My aunt let me use her car to go to Sonic for something to eat. I called Dillon to see if he would come with me so I wouldn’t have to go by myself. Technically, I asked him on a date, first. This was the day before my grandpa had to go to Mexico with the church, so I just knew he would poke fun. The next few days after, Dillon would come over and we would sit by the pond and talk. I had a little bit of depression, so he would always come when I needed someone to talk to. He was such a sweet and caring person. We had so much in common, too.

A couple of weeks went by, and we got closer. I needed him, then, more than ever because my mother had gotten sick. Dillon was there when I needed him. Sometimes, he would leave small gifts on my dresser and not tell me until he got home. I would feel bad if it was money. I hated to take anything from anyone, especially him, but he would tell me to buy myself a treat or something.

We finally started dating after that first kiss. I couldn’t believe it, really, but my family loved him and they knew I was happy with him.

A year and a half later, we were married. I didn’t want a big, fancy wedding. We invited our closest family and friends and got hitched in my grandparents’ yard. (They live in the country so it was beautiful that time of year, anyway.) I was so nervous, that day. I was about to change my last name and my life!

Tomorrow will be six years we’ve been married. I’ve been through my toughest years with him. Honestly, I don’t think I would have made it without him.
I’ve learned that tough times are easier.

We’ve had our fights and sometimes, I’ve gotten to the point where I couldn’t take anymore. I wanted to end our relationship, even though he apologized over and over. I have also hurt him many times and, in the process, hurt myself.
I’ve learned that forgiveness is everything, even if it’s hard to do so.

There is still much to experience. Dillon and I are still learning. We’re still growing, but I wouldn’t want to learn and grow with anyone else but him.

He was there when all of our children were born. He was there to hold me when I had my worst anxiety attacks. He was there to save me from myself, a lot of times. I don’t know what I would do or how I would get through most days without him.

I know my mental issues can be hard for both of us. It takes a toll on our relationship. Honestly, though, I think Dillon has learned so much, too. He works hard for our family, and to come home from work and occupy the kids while I take the time to recover from one of my episodes sometimes, it means the world to me.

Even the small things are very much appreciated.

Everything I’ve said doesn’t even begin to describe how incredible our journey has been. Our ups and downs have strengthened our marriage.

He has been my brightest star on the darkest of nights. When I see nothing but void, I can always find him guiding me through. Through heartbreak or happy times, we will always have each other.

Marriage is a beautiful thing. The right person can improve almost every aspect of your life. Even if we are torn apart, I would never regret my choice. He’s built me up, knocked down walls that were hurting me, and lightened whatever darkness I’ve had to go through. I wouldn’t trade these six years for the world, and I hope to live through many more to come with him by my side.

 

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I love you, Dillon! Even though you think it’s weird to smile in your pictures! Happy anniversary, darlin’!

Love you!

-Courtney

P.S: Go check out loftforum! I love all of these posts! You’ll find some great marriage advice, tips, and so much more from this blog!

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