Why Must I Feel Guilty?

Am I the only person who always feels guilty for no reason? I’m constantly thinking everything that goes wrong while I’m around is my fault. Like it’s somehow connected to me. Even if it’s pretty much illogical to think that.

Dillon will come home and say he’s had a bad day at work. It wouldn’t matter what happened, I’d somehow feel guilty. “Oh, he’s had a bad day because of something I did.” or “It’s my fault because I didn’t encourage him to have a good day.” I’ll say things like that to myself,  because I just feel bad that hes going through it. Maybe it isn’t my fault, but I’ll still feel like there’s something I could have done to help him. Then I’ll think of what I should have done. It’s a little too late then, right?

I think it’s worse with the kids. There has to be other people who feel this way, and I will describe the feeling the best I can, so bear with me! (I haven’t had my three cups of coffee, yet.)

It’s a strange, but overwhelming, feeling of guilt every time I get to thinking about my kids. I know they have everything they need, and I know they are taken care of, but no matter how much I do for them, I feel like there’s more I can do. I don’t want to spoil my kids, but telling them no sometimes just seems wrong. It’s like I’m taking something away from them. Of course, I’m aware it isn’t good to let them get away with everything they want, and I don’t get them everything they want (okay, sometimes I get them two or three treats, each). Maybe it’s just being a parent. We all want our children to be happy!

But, there are also times when I feel guilty of buying myself things. I have been known to put things down that I wanted, just because I feel selfish. Of course, I’m also cheap when it comes to myself, but that’s not the point!

Selfish. There’s a word I hate to be called. No one has ever really called me that, and in my mind, I never want to be called selfish. Maybe I try to be a people-pleaser? Heck, even if I’m able to make everybody happy for a split second, I can’t seem to shake the guilt.

I don’t even like to leave my kids. I worry about them, sure, but it’s mostly because I feel like I need to devote all my time to them. It’s so hard to take time to myself. I’ll have my grandparents and mother babysitting while I just run to the store, and it breaks my heart. The minute my three year old calls for “mommy” I am holding back tears.

Dillon knows I need a break. He can see the split ends in my hair, my dark circles under my eyes, my chipped nail polish, and my over-all demeanor. Let’s face it, I look like an extra from ‘Night of the Living Dead’, most of the time! (Call me if there is another zombie movie needing an extra!) I just can’t take a break without the guilt.

Why we get this way, I have no idea. I like to think it’s motherly instinct, but I also am leaning towards my anxiety. Could it be that we don’t like to buy for ourselves because we “might need that money for the kids in the future”? Will there be any future emergencies that call for that extra twenty dollars?

Borrowing money is out of the question. I feel awful if I borrow anything!

If you are constantly feeling overwhelming guilt, I’m right there with you. I try so hard to make myself happy, but in reality, I’m not happy unless everyone else is content with me. I want to be sure that no one is angry with me or that I owe anyone anything.

Even my depression makes me feel bad. It’s like a little voice that frequently fusses at me. I often hear it say “How dare you get sad! Look at all the people who have it so much worse than you and you are crying without reason! You’re a baaad person, young lady!” This would make anyone feel guilty, if you ask me. That’s why I try not to complain, too much.

Anxiety is wanting to be loved. It’s wanting support and knowing you’re not alone. I get the sense that’s why I often feel like I don’t do enough. I’m so afraid of people abandoning me that I try and try to do more.

Unfortunately, we can only do so much, as humans. We can’t please everyone. It’s not like everyone will leave you just because you can’t drop off the mail. Your children won’t abandon you because you can’t get them that bag of M&M’s. Your spouse won’t divorce you because you didn’t say “Have a good day at work.” You won’t let everyone down because you can only do so much.

But that guilt will always be there. Even if it is just a feeling, it will be there. You may not notice it, but, well, it’s there. At least, for me it is.

Guys, we have got to figure this anxiety and depression thing out. Someone is out there saying “Geez, this woman should shut up, sometime.” (I am so sorry.)

Love you!

-Courtney

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