The Hypochondriac (and Dillon) Try Escargots (Giant Snails)

Well, readers. This is it. My second installment of “The Hypochondriac Tries” and I am already at “eating garden-dwelling slime creatures”. *Sigh* I took a trip to Wal-Mart, Friday. I was in a hurry, so I just grabbed the closest thing. I picked up a can of Margherita Pizza flavored Pringles. I thought they were new, and maybe slightly weird to some. Well, when I got home, I realized that maybe these aren’t weird enough for you guys.

At least the instructions aren’t in French.

Yesterday, I went to visit my aunt. I didn’t think I would leave with a can of snails. She had bought some to try, but I guess she changed her mind. I wonder why. According to the instructions, I have to cook them in a butter sauce in the shells that you buy separately. I don’t have any shells. I also don’t have half the ingredients for the sauce. I do, however, have butter. Anyway, I shall prepare our fancy cuisine!




The sauce smells good.

Alright, I prepared the sauce as instructed. And by “as instructed”, I mean I just threw what ingredients I had in there. It calls for a garlic clove, fresh parsley, and shallots. I put in garlic powder and dried parsley flakes. Oh, salt and pepper, too. Now, I’m waiting for it to cook. I hope it’s okay I didn’t have any shells. I am a culinary genius, though. My specialty is frozen pizza.

I need an adult.



When I opened this can, I already felt my insides turning. These look like something that comes from a rear end. Not a normal rear end, either. They are rolled up like they have accepted their fate. Why? Why must they be in the fetal position? It almost makes me guilty. I’m slightly hoping the lights will go out and the electric oven they are being cooked in will cut off. Oh, snails. Please, taste like chicken.




Crap. The lights pulled through, for once. Bad weather, you didn’t do your job!

What I say, before: “They smell good, maybe they won’t be so bad. Or that could just be the sauce. This is wrong, so very wrong.”

What Dillon says, before: “NAAAASTY! I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS!”

My fear factor: 7/10 Wal-Mart Escargots is safe, right? Snails, don’t come back to life. Oh, my God.

Here we go!

Thumbs up because they resemble the Google Images escargots.

Me: It took me a minute to actually get it to my mouth. We are eating snails. That is taboo, to me. They feel like a fleshy… ball of flesh, when cooked. Truthfully, I didn’t taste the snails too much. I was too scared to chew, thoroughly. They reminded me of chewy crab leg meat. I love crab legs, but these are too… snaily. The sauce saved me. I love garlic butter, so that was great. I rate it a 5/10 for taste. It wasn’t bad all together. Just the thought, I guess. I spit them out because I wasn’t sure if I cooked them right. I do feel fancier, though. I need a shower.


When snails are too much.

Dillon: “Nasty. I was shivering. I wanted to throw up.” It was hilarious watching him stand on the back porch, mimicking a sad R&B music video. It’s raining and everything. He swallowed them and didn’t gag. When I told him he didn’t have to swallow them, he looked at me like this was my fault. It was my fault, but still. What a supportive man. I believe Dillon’s favorite word is “nasty”. He rated it a 4/10. His rating is confusing. I asked him why, and he explained that it really wasn’t the taste, it was the texture. He also said they were better than the Roco Koko candy we had, last week. He is such a good sport.



My conclusion? I would actually not speak bad of these. If you knew how to prepare them, they would be better. I am not a fancy chef, so they were only fair. If you prefer fresh Escargots over canned, then these aren’t for you. I can now mark this off my bucket list.

They are snails. Let’s not forget this.

Got any suggestions? Leave them in the comments!

Love you!




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