I wasn’t going to write a post today, because I am lazy and just wanted to take a break, but a bird (now named Jim) flew through my open door and trapped itself in the kitchen. No, that isn’t a metaphor. A freaking bird flew through the back door and slammed into the kitchen window. I laughed at first, then I realized I am that bird. I fly into something and am not able to get out. Anxiety being that thing. My mind jumps into an anxious state and is fighting with itself to escape.
I feel like I’m in a jail cell, more often than I’d like. The ridiculous thing about it is that even if I get out of my cautious mindset, I am terrified of the world around me. I look around at what goes on and I am tempted to get back in my cozy little cage of protection. Awareness has exhausted me.
But, my mind tells me that being aware is what keeps me safe. “Don’t take chances,” it says, “You’ll be safe in this dirty, little, cramped cage.” it says. So, I stay on the look out. For nothing, mostly. It’s like I’m hoping for something to happen just so I can point at myself and yell, “I told you this would happen!”
I took an internet quiz the other day (because come on, who doesn’t take internet quizzes?) just to see what my view on life is. According to the result, I am a pessimist. I expect the worst. It basically told me what I already know. I wonder if Jim is a pessimist, too. Nah, he seemed pretty optimistic about finding the door, again. He even came back and flew right back out. Probably to rub it in my face.
But, I am not a bird. Jim flew out of the open door in a matter of minutes. He got tired of looking for a way out of one end of the room so he went back out the way he came in.
Of course, maybe I am trying to find a way out in all the wrong places. I should be educating myself, more. The way I came into anxiety might give me a little more clarity and, possibly, a way out of anxiety and depression. It’s not gonna just slap me in the face. I’ll probably have to look more into myself. Maybe even take a soul-searching journey into the Himalayas. Well, maybe not. That’s too far to walk.
But, what do I know? I am not Jim.
I’m running on little sleep, as per usual. I also think, too much.
So, I am not a bird and I don’t have an escape route three feet from me. I’m not sure Jim can help me, since he left.
I wonder if he has a concussion from hitting the window? Poor Jim.