Don’t Watch the Clock

My daughter graduated kindergarten, yesterday. I was one proud mama. While she was on stage, I struggled to hold my tears back. I did it, but they came out of my nose, instead. I had to keep wiping my nose so no one would see. Let me brag for a moment. My baby girl is so smart. When she was walking across that stage to get her award, I knew her future would be bright. I know she is going places when she grows up. It may be just kindergarten, but I watch her read and write and do math at home without my help. One of her awards is for computer tech. I already figured she would get something for that. She can almost use a computer better than I can. She must have got that from Dillon.

Then, it hit me like Thomas the train on a rampage: Time is flying by.

We hear it all the time. “Time flies.” It sure does. It flies away. I’m bad about wasting it, too. I always think about getting up and doing something productive, but I never do. My depression keeps the thought in my head. It tells me I’m a terrible person for wasting my life, but it also tells me I should sit some more. I should be spending time with my family but I stay so tired and worn out. I worry my life away.

The past few days, this has become a frequent thought in my head. I’ve been seriously thinking of seeing a therapist. I’m starting to wonder if talk therapy would do more good than medication.

I’m tired of being tired. I want to stay in bed, all day, but I also want to go on vacation with my family. I want my time to be spent with the people I love. Instead, I watch the clock. I watch it tick and tock until the day is over. Then, I get upset.

A weird fact about me: The later it gets in the day, the more depressed I become. I don’t exactly know why, but I get the feeling it’s because I know one more day has passed and I am getting older with nothing else accomplished. I honestly hate when people say, “you’re still young, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you.” I hate to be a negative Nancy, but there are two problems with this logic. One, you never know what could happen. Something could happen to me tomorrow. Two, if I’m too scared of everything, what’s the point of trying to have fun? Don’t get me wrong, it is good to get out once in a while, but I still manage to be a nervous wreck everywhere I go. I actually just told my best friend the same thing when she said I needed to get out more. That darn pessimism coming out, again.

The irony of watching the clock is that we try to pass the time, only to have wasted it.

I used to be excited for my birthday, now it only reminds me I’m one year older. I get more depressed with each passing year. Still, I watch the clock.

My children are growing up. Before I know it, they will be in high school. They’ll graduate. They will go to college, get married, and have children. I’ll be a grandmother before I even stop watching the clock.

We can’t stop time, as much as we would like to do so. We can, however, make the best of our time. I say this, when I don’t even get off my tail and do anything, myself.

I need to stop watching the clock. I need to do more for me and my family. I need to stop wasting my time when I can turn it into productivity. Then, I’ll feel more accomplished and happy.

I should also probably replace the batteries in the clock. I’ve been watching the time stay the same for two days.

Love you!

-Courtney

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