The Hypochondriac (and Dillon) Try EPIC Bar: 100% Natural Bison Uncured Bacon-Cranberry

I had to run to my mother-in-law’s this morning with Dillon. On the way back, we stopped by Texaco truck stop to get a quick breakfast. The cheese and strawberry pastry I bought made me sick to my stomach. I love bear claw-like sweets, so I thought it was going to be amazing. I guess not. There was too much strawberry filling and not enough cheese. I’ll try to make it through the test taste without throwing up.

Anyway, I spotted this little gem out of the corner of my eye. I love beef jerky. This looks like beef/bacon jerky, but I didn’t know until after I bought it that the word “cranberry” came after the word “bacon”.

It smells bad. Oh, my God. It smells sour or something. Usually, when I open a package of jerky, I can smell the meaty aroma of dried beef. I do not know what this is. I looked closer at the package and it has the word “used”.


What does that even mean? What is natural bison used?

What I think: “I have a neutral relationship with cranberries. I do not know what bison tastes like. My relationship with used items vary, depending on the item. I really don’t know what to think. If it was just meat, I think it would be good. Not so much with cranberries.”

What Dillon thinks: “It’s gonna be like beef jerky. It’s gonna be good.”

Dillon, you didn’t see “cranberries” or “used”, did you?

My fear factor: I don’t know what they mean by “used”. I don’t know how much I need to stress this. I sill feel sick.

Let’s do it!

Please, don’t be mold.

Me: I’m a little bit confused. I may not know what bison is supposed to taste like, but I know they added something to this bar of used meat. It started out sweet. I did not taste cranberries, but I could tell there is some kind of sweetness. The more I chewed, the tangier it got. It has a very familiar taste of Italian dressing/vinaigrette. The after taste is that of a lean meat, definitely. I’m pretty sure I had several emotions in a matter of ten seconds. I think I’ll rate it a 6/10 for twang.

Dillon: “It’s fine. It’s alright. No, it’s actually pretty good.” I’m going to fire Dillon. His reviews are confusing. He managed to say this with a sour look on his face, so I’m not sure if he is telling the truth and his face is just stuck like this, or he is lying and his face tells the truth. I’ll have to remember this when I ask the “does this make me look fat” question. He rated it a 9/10. Okay, Dillon, next time I’m going to make you write an essay about your opinions.

My conclusion? If you like used bison, jerky, or very tangy meat, this is the product for you! However, if you don’t like your meat sweet and sour, I wouldn’t recommend this.

Seriously, what the heck is used bison? Someone, please tell me. I have never heard of this and I feel like an idiot.

Love you!


Got any suggestions? Leave them in the comments!


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