Warning: May be triggering, to some!
I know this may be a sensitive subject, but something is telling me that I need to speak out. I am not a psychiatrist or anyone special, but please, hear my story.
In the past, I have contemplated ending my life. Several times, actually. There was even a few instances where I held my weapon of death in my hand. I was going to end it all. There would be no more anxiety, no more depression, and no more worry. Just when I thought I was at my lowest, I did get lower. My left arm would fight with my right one to get the blade away from me. The battles in my head were of catastrophic levels. It always ended with me crying on the bathroom floor, waiting for someone to save me.
It only took a split second of doubt to make the knife go flying, almost into the wall.
That split second between my thoughts and actions were crucial to my life. It was literally life or death. When I reached for the knife, I knew what I was thinking of doing. I knew I was at that dead end. Nothing was going right. I felt like everyone was turning their backs on me. I was was losing everything but my life, it seemed. So, I thought, why not just go ahead and get rid of that, too?
I looked at my body. There were scars. Hidden, but I knew they were there. They would be there forever, because I thought it would make the pain go away. It didn’t, so I was going to really make it go away. My heart, mind, and soul were tearing to shreds, violently.
As I sat there, crying, I realized that even if my own pain went away, so would any chance of happiness I would ever have. I wouldn’t have been able to see my kids grow up. I would not have been able to do the things I want to do. I still sat and battled my emotions for the longest time. I thought I didn’t deserve life or happiness.
I’m glad I managed to win the fight, but I almost didn’t. I’ll be honest and say I still get that sinking feeling and those thoughts that say, just end it. I don’t, though. I’ve learned to fight back. My kids need me. My friends and family need me. I need me.
I hear about people ending their lives, all the time. Even in my small town, there are so many that feel like it’s the only way.
I want you, my friend, to know something. If you’re on the bathroom floor, crying and fighting to live, please don’t go, yet. Before you go, listen to your heartbeat. It doesn’t want to go down without a fight. Your heart may be battling, but it is not going to give up.
Take a second to breathe.
Your body knows you are good enough. You survived through your bad days, before.
The future is a mystery. We don’t know what will happen.
I’m in tears, right now, because I know someone will be reading this with that weapon in their hand. It may not seem like it, believe me, but you do have something to live for. Know it’s okay to cry. Know it’s okay to have bad days. Know that these obstacles are a part of life, and that they do make you human. Know it’s okay to ask for help.
Please, don’t go yet. You may feel like you have no one, but you do. You have yourself. You have others who care, even if it may be strangers, you do have someone.
You have a purpose in this life.
You won’t struggle, forever.
You don’t have to fight, alone.
Please, don’t go, yet. Someone wants you to live. I want you to live.
There so many undiscovered opportunities for you. So many memories to be made. New things to learn, new adventures to go on, new people to meet. You may change another person’s life, for the better. But please, don’t go, yet.
A dead end road may seem like the end, but even if the pavement is no more, you can create your own path by just stepping past the line, in any direction.
Love you. I really do love you.
Suicide prevention: 1-800-273-8255 (TALK) or 1-800-784-2433 (SUICIDE)
Depression Hotline: (630) 482-9696
For more information, visit the Suicide Prevention Services of America website.