Have you ever wondered why you change? Your body, your mind, and even your soul? Yet, another symptom of anxiety is the feeling that nothing is real. Maybe, there is more to it than just being detached from reality. Could it be real changes?
Lately, I’ve felt… strange. I’ve felt that impending doom we always hear about. Not only during a panic attack, I feel it most of the day. I feel like I’m not myself, anymore. The person I once knew, so well, is no longer in control of my body. I’ve felt as though my personality has turned around and it’s not good. Distance has become a part of me. I’ve put entire oceans between myself and other people. Even simple objects, that I love, aren’t safe from the miles. I’ve wanted to cry out, but to whom would I yell, “help me”?
I prayed, last night. It was finally time I figured myself out. I never saw myself as a “religious nut”, but I have tried (and mostly failed) to live by what I was raised to live by. Most nights, I pray. Or, I thought I did. It’s so hard for me to describe, right now, as I am currently feeling panicky, but, while struggling to fall asleep, I felt like most of my prayers didn’t mean anything. Similar to when your spouse is telling you a story and you just kind of brush it off with “uh-huhs” and “I knows” (Dillon, my stories are intriguing, thank you very much). It just felt like I wasn’t trying hard enough.
Then, there it was. The most terrifyingly, smothering guilt I have felt in a long while. I had been living a lie. Was I just praying just to feel better about my conscience? I thought so. I was doing it wrong, almost the whole time. The times I really and truly prayed hard, were hard times when I needed something.
I learned, in church, that I should not feel bad for asking God of so much. I mostly ask Him for peace of mind, but I almost never thank Him and actually try to live by His word. I feel like I’m asking someone for help with a task, but I’m not putting any work into it, myself.
But, last night, I asked God to change me. Not like the change I’ve been feeling, but to bring me back to reality. I asked Him to help me live by Him. I realize it can take time for prayer to work. I realize I shouldn’t just ask for help and go back to my ways. I’ll never be perfect. I never thought I was perfect. But, last night, I knew I truly needed saving. I needed saving from myself.
I, also, asked Him to help my children grow. To guide them down the right path, so they’ll grow into wonderful adults. Hopefully, better than me.
My mind was getting so close to being sealed shut. I wanted my knowledge to stay where it was, without any new addition. Younger me would have never wanted that. I forgot how much I loved to learn, how much I appreciated knowledge and its worth. When my anxiety moved in, my thirst for knowledge had vanished. I was afraid to learn anything, new.
“New material would probably kill me or scare me.” I would think. “I’d never use this, anywhere.”
I’m thinking that’s where it started. After I stopped wanting to learn about reality, I stopped feeling my feet on the ground. I no longer thought of myself as knowledgeable, but blinded.
So, I prayed about that, too. I asked Him to keep me safe as I try, once again, to gain information I, so desperately, need.
You know, friends, I feel better after writing this. I’m not sure how long this short (but oh, so, sweet) moment of peace will last, but it is still a peaceful moment when I feel like myself, again. I’m not sure if this is a testimony, as I still think it’ll take time, but I do think it’s a moment of realization. It didn’t happen immediately after I prayed, but the fog did clear. It will, most likely, be back, but I feel like I can take it on, now. I will be prepared for it.
Even if we don’t believe the same things, I offer you my hand. You may shake it, hold it, or simply take it to keep yourself grounded. I pass my love to you. These times are tough, and if you need love, you have it.