More Change, Less Comfort

I wanted to continue from my post, yesterday. I don’t feel like I got out everything I needed to get out.

The change I’ve been feeling seems to make me feel worse in the evenings. As you may know, I tend to feel more nervous as the day ends, so it wouldn’t surprise me that it’s keeping me up most nights. Everyone will be in dreamland, but me. I lay in bed around midnight, watching Dillon sleep, and my mind wanders. Sometimes, it ventures into unknown territory.

Is something wrong with me that I don’t know of?
Is our marriage crumbling?
Does he still love me?
Am I raising my kids right?
Can I even feel joy, anymore?
Will it be this way for the rest of my life?

It’s like traveling a long, exhausting distance, but you have no idea where you’re going and you can’t stop the journey, for anything. Not even to rest.

What’s strange (to me, anyway) is that I don’t really feel on the verge of a panic attack while I think of all the negatives. It’s more or less adapting to something new. I just can’t figure out what it is. I know it’s not a good change, or that’s what my brain is telling me.

When I prayed, I asked God to bring clarity. I want to see what’s different. I want to know why I feel so bad about it.

I asked Dillon, last night, “The bedroom is different. I don’t know why. Do you see any change? Do you not see change in me?”

He didn’t really answer. He just held me for a while. I had to, heartbreakingly, tell him that being held doesn’t even make the thoughts go away, anymore. Truthfully, I don’t think he knew what to really say. I mean, if someone you loved acted normal and, suddenly, asked you if anything was real, anymore, you would probably be a little bit speechless.

I don’t know what I was asking, from him. I don’t know if our arguments, lately, have been taking a larger toll on me than I expected. I don’t know if there’s just so much to stress about. I don’t know if there’s even any change happening, anyway.

Unless the difference is just me. I feel like I’m growing colder, by the day. Hateful? Angry? Sad? Jealous? Take your pick. Troubled, definitely.

I always hear, “Follow your gut instinct.” My gut jumps at the smallest things. I can’t follow it. It will just lead me somewhere I don’t want to be. Same with my mind. I don’t trust my body anymore, because of my anxiety. I have never felt this much confusion.

Speaking of trust, my trust for anyone has disappeared, as well. I’ve shut down a lot of me. Much of what makes us human has left me. So, I’m basically a walking corpse. All that’s left is fear and depression, it seems.

Ironically, the problem could be that I have shut out everyone. I don’t open up, anymore, because I keep telling myself that it’s a waste of time.

Everyone has problems.
No one wants to hear mine.
I’m a bother.
I let everyone down.

I just feel so helpless. My cries for help are being smothered by self-doubt. I’ve enslaved myself, if it’s even possible.

But, I will wait for my prayers to be answered. It’ll be so hard, but I’ll continue to work on myself, even if I have to start over, again.

Sorry, I’ve been a downer. It could just be, none other, than anxiety.

Love you!
-Courtney

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