Overthink, Overtake

I overthink.

Yesterday, I was driving home from the store. I cried. Surprise, surprise. I am all too familiar with the sensation of tears streaming down my face. Even though I had so much on my mind, I realized that each branch of thought was overgrown with leaves. My concentration was smothered with worry. Some things, personal. Other things, pretty much everyone knows about.

“I overthink everything.” I said to myself.

I overthink my responsibilities.

My son’s birthday is this week. I worry that I won’t get everything done in time. I worry I will disappoint him. While these worries may be irrational, they are still there. He is, after all, one of my children. I am responsible for his happiness, right now. My other kids, as well. Why do I not feel like I can give them enough? Am I a bad mother? Is it just that I compare my parenting to others’? Am I overthinking?

I overthink my symptoms.

It’s something you all may know about me, but it doesn’t make it any less a burden. A pain here, an ache there. It seems like something is constantly wrong with me. Is it my hormones? My anxiety? My depression? My body? Is it overthinking?

I overthink my marriage.

It seems like we’ve grown distant. Another irrational fear. We’re busy, but there’s something else. I can’t get enough of his time. It’s actually what I want from him the most. Unfortunately, he can’t spend every second of every day with me. When he didn’t want to go to this place with me, my walls went up, immediately. “He doesn’t love me, anymore.” Is what I told myself. Why do I want to be near him all this time? Am I just clingy? Do I feel unsafe? Do I feel like I’m alone? Am I overthinking?

Am I overthinking?

Everything from claims to the world ending (which I don’t believe we know the exact date of the end) to my clothes getting too big. I find a reason, then I add more reasons until I have either scared myself to the point of a panic attack or I’ve found an irrational reason for it that is completely rational in my head.

While my clothes getting too big is actually a good thing, I worry that I won’t have any clothes to wear out. How will I get more if I don’t have any to wear to the mall?

Nobody knows the end of the world. Even if we did, why should I be worried? I’m ready, right? Is it even normal to overthink something like this?

Overthinking. The word takes my mind by the reigns and steers it wherever it doesn’t want to be. It’s a word that bounces around my head, often.

Can you overthink thoughts?

As the song, “Rainbow” by Sia, played (of course it’s from the My Little Pony movie) I glanced towards the Heavens. “Please, God, tell me what I should do.” I said.

Then, I remembered that I must be patient. As hard as that can be, it is necessary.

Until I find my answers, my thoughts will race. They will overwhelm me with reasons, fears, and uneducated guesses.

By the way, the My Little Pony Movie comes out next Friday. Aren’t you all as excited as I am?

Love you!
Courtney

P.S: Take a shot every time you see the word, “overthink”.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s